Buy these PC gaming dog toys, fellow humans

Dear HyperX, I am a human person. I walk, I sleep, I prepare food, I drive a car. I stare at a strange glowing box for hours. And I pee in a toilet several times a day, despite making my loyal and handsome dog friend go out in the yard. It’s come to my attention that your company, which makes many accessories for the glowing stare box that ~~my owner enjoys~~ I enjoy, is now making some of these items for dogs. I would like some. For my dog. Who is not me, the human who lives in my house.

I see that you’re offering several varieties of these “P.L.A.Y. dog toys” starting on April 11th. One that looks like the weird black snake I place on my head, which makes it impossible to hear my dog beg for much-deserved treats (Cloud Arfa Gaming Headset, $15.90). One that looks like the glowing rectangle ~~my human~~ I give scritches to, the one that barks with a “click-clack” noise (Alloy Keybark Gaming Keyboard, $10.90). And one that looks like the weird bone-shaped thing I shout into when I want the stare box to know that it’s been a bad boy (PAWdcast Microphone, $13.90).

HyperX

Also, there’s a bed, one that seems to be the same general size as the bed on my desk that the cat tries to use. But this one’s just for me! (Pulsefur Mat, $65-79).

I mean, my dog. It’s a bed for my dog.

If I understand how this works, I should give you a little plastic rectangle, which you then give BACK to me, along with all of these glowing stare box accessories. At least that’s how it works when we go to the store with all of the other dogs. And by other dogs I of course mean other humans’ dogs, from other humans’ houses. So, please take the small plastic rectangle of your choice, somehow suck between ten and eighty dollars from it, and then give me the things. So, I can give them to my dog. Who really wants and deserves all of them.